Tuesday, March 29, 2011


 I totally agree with the view that whatever I experience in life shapes me and makes me who I am today. If my experience was a difficult one then I learn from it becoming stronger in the process and if it was a good one, then I would just enjoy the ride.  

But what if I am faced with a situation that I do not accept, then how am I supposed to deal with it? React to it? Should I be going with the flow? Letting things go and just live with it? Or should I take a stand against it and be firm in my opinions and views?

What if it involves a person who is doing something that might harm her or the people around this person? Do I let it pass or do something about it? Do I just allow that person to continue doing whatever it is she is doing and go with the flow because I do not want to lose the connection?  Do I risk our relationship and face it? What if it did not end well... would I be able to learn from it all and move on? Would I become stronger or would I break down into a million pieces not being able to live with the fact that I have lost a friend?

Just recently, I have faced something I never thought I would ever have to face in my entire life. I never made up a similar scenario in my head to get me ready and help me face what I faced.  You might think I am crazy but many times I find myself making up scenarios to trigger my thoughts and prepare my reactions. I think of different ways that I could react to a certain situation and which one would be the ideal way. I do not always do it but since I am known to have my tongue speak faster than my brain works, I need to make up such stories in order to avoid a situation going out of hand. I let my emotions run wild sometimes and thus these scenarios help curb my emotions and rein them in.

However, the last few days were different. I never thought that something like this could ever happen to me and so I was not prepared. When it all happened, I was at loss for words... I remember thinking up a reasonable explanation for it all but deep inside all sorts of bad scenarios roamed around in my head. I could not help thinking of WHAT IFs... which are not really helpful. I was unsure of what to think or feel... was unsure if that friend of mine deserved  my friendship, whether I should leave it at that because I could not take it any more or could not help out in any way as I have never witnessed anyone going through this when I was growing up and therefore I had nothing to base my judgement on.

Should I call it quits and just leave this whole friendship? I really did not deserve such treatment, and nor did the others around us...I felt clueless, helpless and devoid of all emotion at one point.
I did not know whether I should persevere and help my friend or just leave it at that and consider myself defeated? Does my friend deserve my support and constant waves of understanding even though there were many 'I'm sorry' and 'It won't happen again' statements over the past few years?

I know it will happen again and it will continue to happen until my friend does something about it and tells me, or our group of friends, how to lend a helping hand and support through all of this. Is the friendship worth it though? Will things change or am I lying to myself?

These questions keep going around in my head like a windmill. But even though I am unsure if my decision is the right one, I have decided to stick to this...

But is my decision based on the fact that I like perseverance and I do not like to give up on things? Or am I worried about something else? Am I worried about losing a friendship and maybe much more than that? Or is it that I know I have issues of my own that need addressing and so cannot and should not expect my friend to change and stop harming herself and others?

I am not sure I know when to say enough and also I know what the consequences are if I decided to leave... Honestly speaking, I think I am too much of a coward to face the consequences than I am to face the current reality of the whole situation.

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