I have been running around like a headless chicken that still digs up dirt in search of worms that it cannot see. This is not a time when I should be doing extra work is it? I mean in two and a half months' time I will be shipping our possessions to a different country and all I should be thinking of is getting rid of stuff I have not used in years and donating others.
I thought I was quite the organizer; planning which section of the house I will be tackling and on which weekend. I have finished the kids clothes which I will be taking back to Jordan with me for the Syrian Refugees, I have donated their unused toys to a local slum nursery and the books to Mina's elementary school. I have tackled the messy storage room and the kitchen, placing all the items we do not need by our gate because within seconds they disappear. (I love how our unwanted stuff can be used by others).
I panic with every passing weekend. I stress out when anyone asks me to do one thing that I thought I had already done and dusted some time ago. I freak out when I think of the other rooms and the items on my list that I need to check off.
I continue to make more work for myself. I find new things to try. New recipes to look up and follow. Like baking cakes or cupcakes that I have never done before and then promising to try out some more as a challenge. I register to take some online courses which demand some work and time to read. I go shopping for gifts for the family..... etc.
Hold on a minute?
Didn't I say I was stressed out and do not need more stuff on my ever spinning plate? Why do I do this to myself? Is this a coping mechanism to keep my mind off it all?
Maybe, I am just creating jobs for myself because I have a hard time accepting leaving this place. I will miss it... I will miss the easiness of the people here... my friends... my colleagues... I keep thinking that I don't have time.... What I truly need is time to stop for a second and give me a breather...
Ever since October of last year, things have been spinning crazily but never out of control. It is like Speedy Gonzales had given up on the pace my life was going and decided to take over the controls placing all the buttons on high speed as that is the momentum he likes best. I keep up but boy do I leave his spinning workshop exhausted, run down and out of breath.
He might be wearing ear muffs as he definitely does not listen to my ever whining nerves.
I miss the feeling of elation. I miss that sense of excitement when something I have always wanted to do and experience meets me. I miss that sense of adventure that send happy fluttering jitters up and down my spine and pulls on my heart strings. For now, I feel that LIFE has woken up and has hit me in the face.
But I am doing something about it soon. I have decided to run away in April.
I am taking a break with my sister. We are going on a sister- bonding trip to Sri-lanka and India and I am hoping that it would be a break despite having to visit so many places in a short time... I know that the hand of Speedy never tires, but at least my mind would be off the move and onto new experiences, smells, tastes, sights and above all my relationship with my sister.
After the break, I will be back in Speedy Land trying to match his crazy pace and maybe even work something out together.