Sunday, March 13, 2011

Creep

Picture: http://www.zazzle.co.uk/im_a_creep_poster-228893628994611341

Whenever I hear the song, Creep unplugged by Korn, it reminds of the difficult times I had at school finding friends, then losing them... being laughed at because I wore my heart on my sleeve and a tiny silver Swiss cow bell on my necklace... 'a cow' was the name given to me.  I tried to make a joke of the situation by adding 'milking' to the cow and show my abusers that what they said did not really hurt me... but it did.

School is such a difficult part of an individual's life... students not only need to deal with the amount of information given to them each day but BREAK TIME as well. My worries started when I was in Grade 4 when my best friend at the time, just decided to up and go...she befriended the most popular girl in our class at our girls' school. I tried going along with it but it did not feel right. They were making fun of me laughing at the mistakes I made. So in the end I decided to separate myself from them.

It was such a difficult time and I remember trying to do the same with another pair... forcing them to be my friends.. but it hit me that what I was doing was just so wrong... I remained alone for a while and I remember walking around the playground watching others having fun together...until a ginger haired girl who was in my class approached me. She told me she was having trouble finding a friend and we hit it off... unfortunately for the both of us I was to move to an international school the next year and guess who was going to the same school... yup, the same old dear friend who was taken by popularity.... 

So we hit it off again and were friends for a whole year until she decided to go with another new popular student the next year but this time, did not want anything to do with me. I was told that I was bossy and that was the reason behind me losing friends.... oh well... I found others... but until I did... the pain inside me was excruciating....well for a 12 year old it was.. it actually manifested itself into physical pain and my parents had no idea what was going on... I kept complaining about having wrist, back and leg aches.... They took me to doctors and sometimes had my arms x-ray-ed... but they found nothing of course... it was just psychological.

I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones though.... I did have friends after that.... some had to leave the country due to their fathers' profession making me go through the whole process again.. However, even though it was extremely tough going through school being laughed at  and abandoned, looking back at it right now makes me realize that it made me who I am today... my self-confidence took a beating... and it was low for many years after that... I never really believed in myself... but NOW... I can see that what I went through at school, be it academically or socially, might have been preparing me to be who I am today... a teacher!

I can say that I actually understand the students I teach... truly understand them... I do not have to just tell them that I do but sincerely feel with them and truly comprehend where they are coming from. I can now see that what I went through might have been truly a blessing... because it helped me become a better more genuine teacher.


2 comments:

Dina said...

I feel we can all relate somehow to unprocessed emotions and events experienced during our school years. The worst part is that at school, we had to pretend we were not hurt so we do not show the person that what they did or said mattered to us. I wonder how much we still do that as adults???

Tabouleh said...

Thank you writing a comment... it is the first comment of its kind... I love comments and would like to see more...we could carry out a discussion through these comments... so thank you for posting...
I agree... We do it all the time Dina...we always pretend that we are not hurt and I am not sure why? Is it to save face? To show that we are strong? If only people took care of what they said and know that it hurts...