Friday, May 6, 2011

Venting






For some reason, even though this song is sad, it spoke to me. It touched me deeply… Maybe it is because of how I am feeling at this very moment… but something about it just made me think of my purpose in this life and how mad this world is… about my feelings and how people react to them…  And maybe it is my raging hormones going nuts again… but something about it just made sense... So please bare with me while I try to work through my very disconnected feelings and thoughts...

EVERYDAY:
We walk around on this planet sometimes not knowing where we are going and why we are doing the same thing over and over again… I, for example, wake up, get myself and the kids ready for school, get in the car, drive to school contributing to the increase in carbon footprints in the environment, teach kids, return home to cook dinner, feed the family, read to /spend some time with them, get them ready for bed, have a sleepless night due to one of my kids, watch terrible TV or spend time on the Internet or read a book, and then the whole day is repeated again the next…
I know my life has not been a total routine with all the activities, vacations and adventures that I partake in and I am lucky and grateful for that… but if I just took a sliver of my ever day life … a week… well then this is it… it is all the same and nothing is going to change… I just feel empty inside sometimes… that there is no real purpose in my life other than to provide for the family, keep people happy, teach kids, and listen to lectures and people who disagree with me… I keep thinking that things will change for the better… that soon something will happen to improve my state of mind… but…
Please understand that I am just using this blog to vent what I am feeling at this very moment… I do not usually feel this way inside… but something triggers such a feeling and sometimes I cannot seem to control it… I am sometimes unable to allow it to wash over me without me addressing it… I always like to address every single feeling that I have… I like to analyze them….  

FEELINGS:
Do I really need to control my feelings and get myself out of this rut? Why can’t I just feel this way for a day or two and then change? I am entitled to feeling this way, am I not? I mean can one really stay happy and smiling every single day of the year? All 365 days and a ¼ days? Can’t one have just that ¼ day off? What works for others doesn’t have to work for me, does it? Each person deals with their ‘insides’ differently and I do not think that I HAVE to do anything just to accommodate people’s feelings, do I? If they do not feel comfortable being around me while I am in this state, do I have to change just because I am making other people uncomfortable? What about how THEY make me feel? I mean, if I am supposed to change my behavior because they feel uncomfortable, then what about how uncomfortable they make me feel? Am I not entitled to the same treatment?

INCIDENT:
I will tell you one incident that happened to me once in my own front yard, in Malawi and then you can tell me whether or not I HAVE to change to accommodate others and change my behavior, which was what I was expected to do.
We were having a barbeque for all our friends… something we did often in Malawi. My baby was about 6 months old and sleeping in our room which was only two doors down a short hall… mind you the doors had slit windows on top and so any noise can easily be heard and wake up the baby. After spending the night preparing for the barbeque, mixing side dishes, washing dishes and all, I sat down for a while to enjoy our friends company. Ten minutes or so passed when I heard my friends screaming and laughing out loud… I loved how they were having fun… Anyway I went to see what was going on to find two friends inside the house trying to close the door and another outside trying to splash them with water from a bucket… there was a lot of noise and it was near the door leading to the baby’s room.
I immediately asked them if they could just lower their voices a little bit so as not to wake the baby… I then went inside and started to wash the remaining dishes when my friend came to the kitchen window and told me that the friend, who was throwing water inside the house, was furious with me and that I should come out and speak to him.
And so I did even though I was totally confused as to why he was upset. I did not think I said anything to bother him. As I was walking up to him, he was yelling angrily and saying “That *itch” in front of everybody else… in MY front yard. I controlled my emotions and went up to him and said. “HIS NAME, are you upset with me?” and he went on a rant … I said,”Well I am sorry that I upset you, I did not mean to offend you... Please do not be upset... I was afraid that the baby would wake up.” I extended my hand and said sorry again and he totally ignored me and stayed seated… that is when I lost it… I walked back crying uncontrollably… it was MY house… MY baby… and I have to apologise for MY behavior (which was not bad at all)… I have to accommodate other people’s feelings? Why couldn’t he accommodate for mine? I was the new mother… I was the one concerned about my baby…
My best friend, who was one of the ladies inside the house trying to close the door, hugged me tightly and she told me then that I need not apologise for anything because I was a mom and concerned for my baby…. After ten minutes of crying, the man who called me names apologized profusely… but I have to admit that I could not forgive him for the longest time… he just broke a bond that was there… he was welcome in my house with his family many times after that… but I could not easily forget what he said about me.
After that incident and till now, I am reminded that what he said was not a big deal and that I should always remember that he whispered blessings into my son’s ear when he first arrived in Malawi… that I should be careful of what I say and let things go…. And yet again, I have to accommodate for other people’s feelings and let go of my own.
After a few months of leaving Malawi and being made to feel guilty about my behavior after he apologized to me, I wrote him an email to apologise for being immature and overly sensitive… and that I hoped we would meet up again in the near future and open a new page. This was in 2006… I have heard nothing back.
So my question is… why should I always be made to feel guilty about my reactions and feelings… if people cannot handle the truth… if people cannot handle my behavior… if people cannot handle my reactions, my points of view, my differences… Why should I be the one to say sorry or feel ashamed? Why in the world should I be made to feel guilty about it? Why can’t they be careful of what they say to ME?
RELIGION AND OTHER MATTERS:
Why can’t people be careful not to judge ME, where I come from or what I believe in? Why do I have to be the cordial one all the time? I believe in God (and also Evolution) but I am always careful about what I say about other people’s beliefs in His/Her existence or lack of and I always respect their views… hey it is a free world, people have choices and so I do not judge anyone based on what they believed in… I will NEVER attack another religion… EVER… I believe that THAT is a part of my own religion…
BUT why can’t they be thoughtful and considerate as well? If I believe that there are so many good points in religion, then why would I have to be the only one who took care of what they thought and not the other way around as well? So what, they have a right to attack my religion and start bringing up issues they do not even understand, making general sweeping comments about it and I have to sit there and accept their views? Why can’t they be careful of how they phrase their words and how they approach a situation before they make such drastic comments?
If I believed that someone wronged me, then why shouldn’t I address it? Why do I always have to be the considerate one who takes care of what she says and which subject she opens up and how sensitive a matter is? Why can’t people be careful how they voice their views about certain groups and be careful not to generalize and only make an opinion based on what they saw on television and the news?

Ok… I think I have vented enough… I actually feel better now that I have placed my feelings on paper… well on the screen… Internet… whatever… This is why I like my blog… I can use it for self-therapy.

11 comments:

Birdie said...

I was going to post that same song just yesterday... It is a mad world.

It is bedtime in Canada and I am going to write more to you tomorrow. Good day to you, dear one. Namaste.
Namaste.
Namaste.

Judy Croome said...

Tabouleh, you feel what I have felt many times, and what we will both feel many times in the future. I can't give you an answer that will help you; I can only tell you what conclusion I have come to that helps me.

I have chosen to walk on the path of the light of God (or a Divine Being); sometimes the light bathes me and protects me; at other times I feel it is dim and distant and I despair for the unnecessary evil that exists in this world.

But the light is always there. It is has irrevocably changed my view of the world and how I react to what happens in that world. As the hymn "Amazing Grace" says "...I once was blind and now I see..."

And this brings me to what I really want to say: once one has chosen to walk the path of enlightenment (and I believe that path is different for everyone) one cannot go back to the blindness of one's pre-enlightenment state.

And because everyone's path is different, there will always be those who seek to dim that light; those who seek to drag you back into the darkness. Because we are now in the age of Aquarius, the age in which each individual must reach for an *individual* path to God (or the Divine)and each must individually be responsible for choosing to fight the inner shadow of Aquarius (which is Leo, the arrogant, selfish, egocentric part of our inner Self), it is up to us as individuals to choose how we react to others' behaviour, if we wish to continue along that path of light.

Yes, because one is constantly working towards a greater enlightenment, the tests and the struggles are harder than those who do not see. Yes, because one is constantly working towards a greater enlightenment, one often has to be the one to forgive, or forget, or apologise or whatever.

But the alternative is going back into the blindness of the unknowing; going back into the darkness of hate and bitterness and rudeness that others (like your Malawian "friend") live in.

Which would you rather choose? Even though the emotional and spiritual price of seeking enlightenment is high, could you stop walking along the path now that you've begun to taste the occasional sweetness of Divine Love?

Be at peace, for after the darkness comes the new dawn.
Namaste
Judy, South Africa

Tabouleh said...

Wise effective word Judy... thank you... you are right... i should continue letting things go and focus on my path... it just drains me sometimes... I sometimes think that I cannot help but defend whatever it is that i believe in because I hear all the negativity and nothing positive... and the way people discuss any matter is in a matter of cat way when it is just an opinion... what they say or feel or do is no better that what I say, feel or do... they have this self- righteous demeanor…. And they lecture me to prove their point… I just feel that I cannot win in any situation… being the odd one out… I cannot win anything. It is a terribly feeling loneliness… isn’t it? And that is why I write... it is the only way that I will not be lectured about it... or interrupted mid sentence…
Thank you Judy for your kind and encouraging words… I truly appreciate them…. Sound advice indeed… I will just continue on my path.

Judy Croome said...

Lana (sorry, I assumed Taboleuh was your name!) I learned a great lesson from my calm and practical and highly evolved husband: sometimes the winning comes from walking away with your grace and inner calm intact. And writing is a marvellos "safe haven" to explore the joys and dangers that surround on as we try to "be the change" the world needs.
Judy, South Africa

Tabouleh said...

Thank you Judy... yeah Tabouleh is just the name of my favorite Arabic salads.... and I used to use it as my nickname on ICQ which was kind of like MSN chatting thingamajig... but Lana with a short first vowel means ours or belonging to us in Arabic... my parents were a bit possessive of me you see... LOL... hahaha!
Thank you for that wise quote from your husband... my husband thinks the same thing... and even lives by it as I am sure your husband does as well... as a woman though... I sometimes need to vent it out or engage... i stopped doing it as frequently as I used to and am learning to walk away... but it sure hurts sometimes...

Birdie said...

I really understand this post! I have said that same words to my family. Judy's has it right. I don't want to be in a place where my heart and mind is closed.
For me, I picture the people that don't accommodate and are not open as "baby souls". They are just learning and do not understand. We can only keep loving and hoping that others will learn and be touched by the love out there that is so great. A baby soul, helpless and afraid and still crawling. They need you. Love on, Lana! Love on!

Tabouleh said...

I love that term Baby souls... now that you mention it... it makes sense and I will remind myself of it often...it will help me swallow my pride... let it wash over me and focus on teaching them...Thank you Bridie!

Tabouleh said...

Sorry! I mean Birdie!

Birdie said...

You can call me Barbara :-)

Maha said...

Lanoush, I love reading your blog and I love reading the comments your friends post.
My conclusion to all that you have said is, "Always remember, not everybody is as good and considerate as you are". As Cat Stevens said, "its a Wild World" and there is the good, the bad and the ugly. As long as we continue walking with our head up high and make sure we do not hurt anyone in the process, feel proud of who you are, the principles and ethics that govern your life and forgive those who have done you wrong.....their misdemeanors only help make you a better person and teach you that life is not a bed or roses, but a great one nevertheless.
Big hug
xxxx

Tabouleh said...

Mahoushi... I love your words just as much as I love all the others... As long as i am doing the right thing and walking on the right path... it is all that matters... and you are right... life is not a bed of roses and I am learning while walking it... and will continue to learn... Inshallah I will feel whole soon...
Love you loads.