For some reason, even though this song is sad, it spoke to me. It touched me deeply… Maybe it is because of how I am feeling at this very moment… but something about it just made me think of my purpose in this life and how mad this world is… about my feelings and how people react to them… And maybe it is my raging hormones going nuts again… but something about it just made sense... So please bare with me while I try to work through my very disconnected feelings and thoughts...
We walk around on this planet sometimes not knowing where we are going and why we are doing the same thing over and over again… I, for example, wake up, get myself and the kids ready for school, get in the car, drive to school contributing to the increase in carbon footprints in the environment, teach kids, return home to cook dinner, feed the family, read to /spend some time with them, get them ready for bed, have a sleepless night due to one of my kids, watch terrible TV or spend time on the Internet or read a book, and then the whole day is repeated again the next…
I know my life has not been a total routine with all the activities, vacations and adventures that I partake in and I am lucky and grateful for that… but if I just took a sliver of my ever day life … a week… well then this is it… it is all the same and nothing is going to change… I just feel empty inside sometimes… that there is no real purpose in my life other than to provide for the family, keep people happy, teach kids, and listen to lectures and people who disagree with me… I keep thinking that things will change for the better… that soon something will happen to improve my state of mind… but…
Please understand that I am just using this blog to vent what I am feeling at this very moment… I do not usually feel this way inside… but something triggers such a feeling and sometimes I cannot seem to control it… I am sometimes unable to allow it to wash over me without me addressing it… I always like to address every single feeling that I have… I like to analyze them….
Do I really need to control my feelings and get myself out of this rut? Why can’t I just feel this way for a day or two and then change? I am entitled to feeling this way, am I not? I mean can one really stay happy and smiling every single day of the year? All 365 days and a ¼ days? Can’t one have just that ¼ day off? What works for others doesn’t have to work for me, does it? Each person deals with their ‘insides’ differently and I do not think that I HAVE to do anything just to accommodate people’s feelings, do I? If they do not feel comfortable being around me while I am in this state, do I have to change just because I am making other people uncomfortable? What about how THEY make me feel? I mean, if I am supposed to change my behavior because they feel uncomfortable, then what about how uncomfortable they make me feel? Am I not entitled to the same treatment?
I will tell you one incident that happened to me once in my own front yard, in Malawi and then you can tell me whether or not I HAVE to change to accommodate others and change my behavior, which was what I was expected to do.
We were having a barbeque for all our friends… something we did often in Malawi. My baby was about 6 months old and sleeping in our room which was only two doors down a short hall… mind you the doors had slit windows on top and so any noise can easily be heard and wake up the baby. After spending the night preparing for the barbeque, mixing side dishes, washing dishes and all, I sat down for a while to enjoy our friends company. Ten minutes or so passed when I heard my friends screaming and laughing out loud… I loved how they were having fun… Anyway I went to see what was going on to find two friends inside the house trying to close the door and another outside trying to splash them with water from a bucket… there was a lot of noise and it was near the door leading to the baby’s room.
I immediately asked them if they could just lower their voices a little bit so as not to wake the baby… I then went inside and started to wash the remaining dishes when my friend came to the kitchen window and told me that the friend, who was throwing water inside the house, was furious with me and that I should come out and speak to him.
And so I did even though I was totally confused as to why he was upset. I did not think I said anything to bother him. As I was walking up to him, he was yelling angrily and saying “That *itch” in front of everybody else… in MY front yard. I controlled my emotions and went up to him and said. “HIS NAME, are you upset with me?” and he went on a rant … I said,”Well I am sorry that I upset you, I did not mean to offend you... Please do not be upset... I was afraid that the baby would wake up.” I extended my hand and said sorry again and he totally ignored me and stayed seated… that is when I lost it… I walked back crying uncontrollably… it was MY house… MY baby… and I have to apologise for MY behavior (which was not bad at all)… I have to accommodate other people’s feelings? Why couldn’t he accommodate for mine? I was the new mother… I was the one concerned about my baby…
My best friend, who was one of the ladies inside the house trying to close the door, hugged me tightly and she told me then that I need not apologise for anything because I was a mom and concerned for my baby…. After ten minutes of crying, the man who called me names apologized profusely… but I have to admit that I could not forgive him for the longest time… he just broke a bond that was there… he was welcome in my house with his family many times after that… but I could not easily forget what he said about me.
After that incident and till now, I am reminded that what he said was not a big deal and that I should always remember that he whispered blessings into my son’s ear when he first arrived in Malawi… that I should be careful of what I say and let things go…. And yet again, I have to accommodate for other people’s feelings and let go of my own.
After a few months of leaving Malawi and being made to feel guilty about my behavior after he apologized to me, I wrote him an email to apologise for being immature and overly sensitive… and that I hoped we would meet up again in the near future and open a new page. This was in 2006… I have heard nothing back.
So my question is… why should I always be made to feel guilty about my reactions and feelings… if people cannot handle the truth… if people cannot handle my behavior… if people cannot handle my reactions, my points of view, my differences… Why should I be the one to say sorry or feel ashamed? Why in the world should I be made to feel guilty about it? Why can’t they be careful of what they say to ME?
RELIGION AND OTHER MATTERS:
Why can’t people be careful not to judge ME, where I come from or what I believe in? Why do I have to be the cordial one all the time? I believe in God (and also Evolution) but I am always careful about what I say about other people’s beliefs in His/Her existence or lack of and I always respect their views… hey it is a free world, people have choices and so I do not judge anyone based on what they believed in… I will NEVER attack another religion… EVER… I believe that THAT is a part of my own religion…
BUT why can’t they be thoughtful and considerate as well? If I believe that there are so many good points in religion, then why would I have to be the only one who took care of what they thought and not the other way around as well? So what, they have a right to attack my religion and start bringing up issues they do not even understand, making general sweeping comments about it and I have to sit there and accept their views? Why can’t they be careful of how they phrase their words and how they approach a situation before they make such drastic comments?
If I believed that someone wronged me, then why shouldn’t I address it? Why do I always have to be the considerate one who takes care of what she says and which subject she opens up and how sensitive a matter is? Why can’t people be careful how they voice their views about certain groups and be careful not to generalize and only make an opinion based on what they saw on television and the news?
Ok… I think I have vented enough… I actually feel better now that I have placed my feelings on paper… well on the screen… Internet… whatever… This is why I like my blog… I can use it for self-therapy.