Thursday, May 26, 2011

I am a Hypocrite!



I have not written anything for a few days now and the only reason I can think of is because I have had no energy to do so. I have been sick since last Friday with no voice, a sore throat which hurts every time I swallow anything, even my own saliva and I am physically tired due to lack of sleep and a cough that literally wakes me up in the middle of the night. I believe that my immunity system has taken a beating because I am abusing my body so much... I push it to the brink of exhaustion... and deny it any rest. I am not taking care of the gift that was given to me.

Sometimes I feel like I am a liar... I lie to myself and to others... I advise others to take regular "Me Times"... to rest... not care so much about the mess in the house... the dishes in the sink... cooking dinner  every day... putting toys away, bathing the kids... getting them dressed... and then I do whatever I advise others not to...

I am hypocrite.

There I admitted it…
What am I doing to myself? Don’t I know that if I push myself and my body so much that it would collapse into a heap of nothingness and then I would be incapable of doing anything for days afterwards? I mean things will start to spin out of control if I over do things…
I sometimes become so exhausted, that I get these nasty headaches for days and throw up so badly that all I could do is lay in bed and go to sleep.
Why do I do this to myself??????
At the weekend and during a birthday party (after the photo incident that I mentioned two posts ago), a mother sat down next to me… and even though I did not have much of a voice to converse with her I was pleased to have some company. At first she relayed what she knew about me...
She told me of stories she heard from other mothers of how I organized many activities for my children and made wonderful birthday parties all by myself… She then relayed to me what she herself noticed about what I do… how I made an effort to dress them up well for any event at school and paid attention to details… How I am creative and come up with great ideas...
Then the questions began to role in…
She asked me if I had a nanny… I answered yes, because she takes care of my daughter after she returns from school and while I was still at work…. She then asked me if the nanny was a live-in one… No…. She asked if the nanny came at the weekends and during school vacations… No… My husband and I take care of the kids… then she asked me if I have a cook… huh? What’s that? … I walk into the kitchen the moment I return from work, which is at 4… then wash the dishes and clean the kitchen… then struggle with the kids to eat… read to them… bathe them... etc…
After a minute’s pause… she said, “Wow! You are a Super mom!”
SMILE!
Why thank you! That is very sweet of you to say that…
What I really wanted to say was… it is great that you think that I am… but Super Moms also know how to take time off... so that makes me a hypocrite because I do not head my own advice to others…
I have not had ME TIME in ages… and despite my husband, mother, friends and blog friends advising me to take time off and that nothing will stop working if I did… and all the rest… I still do not…
AND I do not know why… I don’t… am I too lazy to take time off? Does that make any sense? I bet you might wonder how can someone be too lazy to take time off?
Maybe the following example might shed some light... Can You believe that I was too lazy to drive to the hairdresser’s to have my hair trimmed to the extent that I watched a YouTube video of how to cut your own hair and did it at the weekend?… I cut my own hair not to fill me with a sense of self- satisfaction but because I was too lazy to take some time off, jump in the car and drive myself to the hairdresser… did not want all the hassle…
Do I want or need someone to take care of me? NO… I certainly do not want to take care of myself but I do not want someone else to be inconvenienced as well…. I do not like to feel helpless and not in control… but I also do not want to continue working so hard…
I sometimes hope that things will get better on their own… that if I finished my chores today or at this moment, then everything will get better the next day or in the future…That things will not remain as they are now and it will get easier and more relaxing soon…
But what I need to understand is that… This is my life…this is it... and it will always be like this… and so maybe I should just relax about expecting it to change anytime soon as that hope/thought is giving my emotions and my mind a strenuous work out... it is enough that I have to think of all sorts of other things that I must do... my to-do-list is never shorter than 10 items.
I have a stressful mind that won't stop thinking, working, spinning and even on vacations!
How do I teach it to release... to let go?

6 comments:

Judy Croome said...

It's always easier to focus on teaching others what we ourselves need to put into practice...less work! :) I can't know what will help you find your inner centre, but what works for me is meditation. To find the time to meditate daily does require a certain amount of discipline (there's always demands on one's time) but I look on my 15 -30 minutes of meditation as self-preservation. By giving myself that time, I have more to give others when I'm finished. Sometimes my meditation is work(going into the writing zone); other times it is serious meditation (chanting)and still other times it's disappearing into a quiet corner to just close my eyes and be! You have to find what works for you...and make a conscious effort to release the panic and surrender. Not easy, I know, but it can be done: one step at a time.
Judy, South Africa

Birdie said...

Oh, wow girl! You are being way to hard on yourself!
I remember when my kids were small and it was chaos all the time. I am still tired all the time but it was different when they were younger. You have to do everything for them. As teenagers, my kids cook meals, do housework, laundry etc. I also remember cutting my hair and waxing my eyebrows just because I was too tired to go out.
Letting it go does not happen in a single step. It is not a destination but a journey. Having kids is a CRAZY time of your life; they failed to mention that to me before we had kids. You also work! Sometimes self-care is just spending a few extra minutes when shopping and picking yourself up some nice body lotion. When you have a bath throw in some baking soda. Self-care need not be going away for the weekend or going to the spa. You need to be way easier on yourself. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Birdie said...

And you are NOT a hypocrite! You are just trying to create a truth for yourself and you are not able to attain it right now. ;-)

Tabouleh said...

I am not alone and that is a relief... my husband always tells me I am very hard on myself... but if I want things to go well, I have to be or I turn lazy...
Thank you both for your suggestions on how to have a few minutes of peace and for myself... you are right... it does not need to be a vacation... I should take the time to do Reiki again... I love it and always have...I just seem to have stopped for a few months now and can see the difference between when i did it and now...
Thank you Barbara... As well as trying to create a truth for myself, I need to create a balance...
I so appreciate your comments... thank you!

Ron Joe "Geezer" said...

One thing about a true hypocrite is that they rarely admit they have a problem. So even if we sometimes act hypocritical in an area of our life, as long as we admit it there is room for hope :-)

I hope you feel better soon

Tabouleh said...

:) Thank you Ron... a very sweet comment... thank you for taking the time to read my post.