Sunday, April 10, 2011

I am ashamed


Did you ever find yourself so much under stress that you say or do things that you would not normally do if you were a little more relaxed?

I thought so much about writing what I am about to and whether or not I should expose so much of myself to blog readers out there... but then I thought that if the purpose behind my blog was to write about what we should or should not do to make a change in the world, then I must write about the stuff that I am ashamed of as well... I sometimes write about the changes that I would like to see in myself... 

Being a mother is not an easy job, I have to admit... and  even though I enjoy it so much, I find that my stress level sometimes reaches such a degree that I just need to hide in a totally vacant padded room where no one can hear me scream if I found the urge to or hear any crying, pleading or whining from my family members. 

Yesterday, I found myself saying something to my daughter that I never ever thought I would say... I swear it was like an out of body experience because I surprised even myself... I heard myself tell my daughter that I did not like her... it was after a stressful morning with children crying, me trying to decorate a baby shower cake, tidying up the place, cleaning and dealing with the children's constant demands... 

I had placed my daughter on the bed with her bottle of milk and went to find her dummy which she left in the play room. When I went back in, I found her spilling all her milk on her brother's bed, wetting the quilt and the sheets underneath... oh boy... another thing I have to contend with and that was before all the guests arrived.

I said it... As soon as I did, the veil, that was protecting me from all the stress beyond me, fell away... the veil that was desensitizing me and shielding me from caring so much about the pleading and the whining dropped to the floor... and all my senses flooded back at once... the flood was overwhelming... I felt instantly ashamed.... how could I have said something so horrible, mean and insensitive to a little girl who was barely figuring out her own emotions and feelings? I am the one who should always be in control... I am the one who should be patient and understanding of my daughter's outbursts... I am the one who is supposed to be censoring my own emotions and words... 

Fifteen minutes later, as she was lying in her travel cot about to fall asleep... I asked for her forgiveness... I said sorry... and told her that I loved her... but I knew that if it ever happened again she will forever remember it and be scarred by her own mother and that is a terrible feeling.

Never again will I put her through this... I was a villain... I was someone that I never wanted to be... I did something that I keep warning my students' parents not to do...I did something that was completely opposite of what I preached about...

I promise you, my son and daughter, that I will try my best to bite my tongue... I will try my best not to hurt you... try my best to never put you down, be sarcastic or make fun of you... I will try my best to protect you from my stress...

5 comments:

paula devi said...

Oh, Tabouleh, be easy on yourself. Of course we don't want to hurt our children an say things in the stress of the moment. But, unfortunately, we are human even though we are mothers. This is what you teach other parents not to do. okay. But the best kind of teachings are the one that help us be aware that, yes, we can in moments of stress, or fatigue, spew forth the yin of our yang or the yang of our yin, And that is the key - being aware. It helps so much. Mothers are not perfect. The fact that you asked your little girl to forgive you is for her a teaching in itself. You are showing her that sometimes we slip and then we regret it and own what we did and acknowledge to "our victim" that we see her and she counts to us and we are sorry.
I hope this is not babble. It is 4:16 am here and I am up only because some people had a loud party and now I'm awake, dying to be asleep. Blessings to you Tabouleh. Your children have a good mother. You have no reason to be ashamed. Regret is good. Shame has no place.

Tabouleh said...

Of course you are not babbling... this was just what I needed to hear to ease my anguish over what I said... THANK YOU! Thank you for your words of wisdom and your support... thank you for assuring me that it was okay and that we are human after all... Thank you my friend for your warm and wonderful comment!

Tabouleh said...

I just realized something a few hours after I wrote the previous comment... I am sorry that I did not ask you whether the party ended and you could now sleep... thank you for reading my blog at such an hour and taking the time to write... time away from your sleep... that means a lot to me... Thank you Paula... you touched my heart.

Birdie said...

Oh, dear one. Maybe the greatest lesson here is teaching your children that we make mistakes and say things we don' mean and it is NORMAL! You asked for her forgiveness and that is a beautiful lesson. Be good to yourself.

Tabouleh said...

Thank you Birdie love... I need to learn to do so... take it easy on myself as you said... thank you!