Sometimes I wonder at parents.... sometimes I am in aw of them and at other times I want to shake them by the shoulders and ask them to wake up...
Being a teacher, I have come across many parents who have been such amazing inspirations to their children... who have supported their kids to no end and as a result their children grow up to be responsible, confident and brilliant young men and women.
But I have come across many others whom have no idea how to parent their children... be supportive, encouraging or just be there... some send them off to a boarding school even when they have good schools around them... or send them to a different city because they do not want that every day contact with their child... they talk down to them and spew venom from their mouths... which hurt the child deep down and cause irreparable damage sometimes.... they are abusive; emotionally, physically and mentally... on all levels...
Just today I had a 13 year old child come to school in tears because his father told him he is breaking the family apart… really? A 13 year old can break a family apart? What about the father? He sent his 13 year old to live in a huge house… in a different city… a plane ride away… with two younger sisters… and is being taken care of by a nanny… and he said that after I spent around half an hour discussing his son’s feelings of rejection and abandonment? He said that after I, and two other teachers, specifically asked him not to punish his son and be understanding towards his feelings? He said that after I gave him some strategies to use like checklists and reward systems? He turns around and says exactly what he was advised not to say…
It boggles my mind… My heart went out to that teenager who was crying his eyes out… My heart went out to all the children who have experienced this… all the grown ups who have had such parents… My heart wept for those children whose parents had never shown them an ounce of love… never hugged them… never talked to them about their feelings… never encouraged them or told them that they are proud of them and their achievements no matter how small they were…. It pains me to know that there are so many children who have run away from home… My heart bleeds for all the children and those who are now grown ups, who have been verbally, emotionally and physically abused…
I wonder...
I wonder what goes through a couple’s mind when they decided to have a child… Didn’t they know that nurturing and developing a little person takes patience, love, care and understanding…. It takes time and effort… Did they think that a child can grow on his or her own? They just plant the seed and give the child some food and water and that is it?
I think that parents should be given courses before they actually bring a child into this world… They need a parent license…They need to be observed in action… They need to be visited on a regular basis until they are trusted with this child’s life… There should be a test to see whether they have a heart, compassion, a sense of responsibility, love and an ounce of respect for the life they had just brought into this world.
I wonder…
I wonder how many lives out there have been negatively affected by their parents. I understand that parents are not perfect… I am definitely not… but at least I know it and I try to do something about it… I read articles online and books to know how better to work with my kids… if I did not know about something, I read or ask someone for advice and assistance…. But one thing for sure… I always show my kids love… always tell them I am proud of them and that I love them… and that I will never abandon them.
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4 comments:
Hi Lana. This post touched a nerve with me but I have to face up to the feelings and comment. As you say, some parents need a shake and to wake up. I was one of those parents. I thought for many years that I was doing a good job, I didn't know any better at the time or rather i was sleepwalking through life. I made efforts to read and learn about child development and needs. I was a teacher. When it came to the crunch though, I wasn't emotionally and spiritually whole enough to give that to my child. I couldn't give that to myself. I feel extremely guilty for the mistakes I made. I have had to work hard to try to put things right now that I can see the whole picture. I have had to forgive myself otherwise I would have drowned in shame and self-pity and would have been no good to anyone. I asked for help at the time but the right help wasn't there. I regret so much, so many decisions I made that seemed right at the time. I was a very isolated and lonely young woman - so that is why I wrote on one of your earlier posts that the internet would have been such a blessing for me then. On balance I can see that there was much I did that was nurturing and supportive, but I am not sure that the mistakes I made cancelled all that out. It is another messy and complex story I'm afraid!
I guess the difference here is that this father has had some help and support to to to give this boy what he needs. What is blocking him are his own core beliefs about parenting and about himself.
I am learning to be compassionate with myself and others, without making excuses for behaviour which is unacceptable! This father clearly needs that from someone - compassion for his anxiety and fear about his son and his family, and boundaries about what is and is not acceptable to say to a teenage boy.
I do hear your frustration and sorrow for the children and am with you completely on that!
oh Jan... I am so sorry that this post opened some wounds... I did not mean for it to do so... but you were brave to write about your inner most feelings ...feelings of guilt... I admire you... I admire your courage... You need to know Jan that it takes a good mother to admit her mistakes... you are a good mother for searching and asking for help, even though the right kind of help was not there... or nowhere to be found... at least you tried and that is what makes you a good mother... you did what you thought was right... and now you are making up for what you think was wrong... you are a good parent... I am glad that you have forgiven yourself... but really Jan... there was nothing to forgive... you did the best you could...
I appreciate parents who admit they were wrong and try to do something about it... I admire them... and I admire you!
I am not perfect... I make mistakes too... which was why I felt I had to write about my mistakes as well in my 'I am ashamed' post... every loving parent makes mistakes... no one is perfect...
I agree... maybe if I met the father again when he comes back for another visit, I will guide him on what to say and what not... I believe you are right...
Thank you Jan for being so open... you are amazing...
Lana,
I think about all of this often. I don't know the answer. There are so many resources available to parents now there really is no excuse for poor parenting.
I guess it all starts with love. If you love your children you are willing to learn. As sad and awful it is to say, I think there are people out there that just do not have the capacity to love children. And yes, they should never have had them.
Keep doing what you are doing because teachers make a huge difference.
Thank you for the words of encouragement Barbara... You are right about the fact that it is available out there nowadays and there should not be an excuse... but I guess sometimes these parents were parented badly themselves and therefore might not know the difference... I hope that things work out for all the children I come across these days... it is just hard not to take them in myself.
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