Expectations? There should be none.

 

  

      Expectations? There should be none..... Or that is what I hope since expectations, throughout my life, have brought me nothing but disappointment. Expecting certain outcomes, certain behaviors and feelings or certain events to occur have never transpired and my expected reactions have never been gratified. It is like going to your favorite ice-cream shop only to find that they are out of your favorite flavor. Or signing up for a course expecting it to provide you with enlightenment, only to come out with less understanding than you had before. And that my friends, only left me feeling discouraged, empty and just flat. 

    As the saying goes, "Expectations are premeditated resentment." Knowing this, though, didn't stop me from continuing the battle and expecting what should not be expected. I expected this and that and the other. Sometimes it worked, which got me expecting even more. Much like gambling where winning is just around the corner. I also thought that excitement is the twin sister of expectations and if I ever parted ways with the latter, only a sense of blah! would remain. 

    But alas, I am approaching 50 now and times have changed. I am finding out that I cannot keep purposefully fizzling out and breaking my heart. I cannot continue shoving sadness down my own throat no matter how many spoons full of sugar I took. Disappointment will always taste bitter.  

      My attitude towards expecting things have changed and after much deliberation and self- help books, I have decided to part ways with Expectations. However, similar to a bad break up, I find myself ebbing and flowing on an endless beach from time to time; still holding on to wisps of hope that one or two of my expectations may transpire. But I know that the fork in the path is fast approaching and I must take the left one. 

The chains that bind me will soon loosen and release me. I just do not want the sense of excitement to depart with it.  I am hopeful.

    

That's Why

 

    Did you ever stop and wonder why you did this or that? Or why you made that choice that led you down a path you never expected? Sometimes, we find it difficult to remember the reasons, we forget what started the whole journey. Yet, at other times, something happens and THAT reminds us of the countless reasons why one of our choices led to this point in time; this very moment that we are living, experiencing and observing the scene of our life unfold. 

    The events of this week reminded me of my choices and why I picked the journey I am living right now. Watching my life partner connecting with our kids, listening to his impressions and advice and then sharing his passion for life and living, reminded me of the many reasons why I made my choices 21 years ago. 

    Two incidences in particular made me a time traveller and took me back to that moment I decided my fate. My accomplice convinced me to push our children (15 and 12) to venture alone into Ottawa and explore, make mistakes and 'literally' get lost. He encouraged them to check out the bus routes, check out restaurants and museums. They did a great job getting themselves to visit the Parliament, eat an expensive lunch and then contact us to pick them up when they lost their bus money. My husband was very calm throughout the whole ordeal while I pecked about like a mother hen. I learned that day that he calms me just the right amount and helps me believe in the value of positivity and making mistakes. 

    The second incident that helped remind me of my life choices happened when we were talking about all sorts of things including internal struggles. At one point, he paused for a moment and said, "I wish you'd gain more confidence and see yourself through my eyes!" And there it was; the second reminder of why I chose the choices I chose. 

Did you ever stop and wonder why?

Listening & Grateful to Just Be

 

After an enjoyable dinner with the family, I went to my bedroom just to have some time for myself, sit in bed and read. I hadn't begun to feel cozy and comfortable, when a better distraction captured my attention and took it to a much more satisfying activity; listening to a father interact with his kids. 

I wanted so much to join the fun and the laughter but I wanted to give them that time; build memories and hold them close to remember when things get challenging. 

I was content to be an outsider looking at a realistic fantasy (if there is such a book genre)... It was as if I were listening to an audio story unfolding...  I had a special look into a comedic magical world where imagination never ended. 

I loved that world since it first began in 2005. It began with our children in the womb. The main character in this story would talk to them and tell them weird jokes. The kind of jokes that only a few people understood but who were grateful that he shared them. 

I loved (and always will love) that biological chemistry that a parent has with their children. That feeling that is like no other. It is that of being in utter jubilation and also being utterly at peace.

So I understood what all three were experiencing together and wanted it to last for them.

At that point, I was so grateful to just be, in the outer circle spectating the whole magical encounter....

Half an hour later...

It is time for me to join in. 

When She Wants to Be

 

    I am humbled by how wise kids can be; how perceptive and how mature in their thinking. 

    I was thoroughly impressed by and truly grateful for my son's guidance this afternoon. My husband and I were getting to the woodshed to organize it and then pile up a 'colossal' mountain of lumber to dry. We woke up our daughter and called our son to join in. After the excitement of moving the floating dock a few days ago had receded, we needed another adventure to spark us up and get us moving together.

    I loved the feeling of working together as a team, a family, and so, I was overly encouraging, overly excited. After trying to work Mina up for the task, I asked Jad to go back to her and do the same. After he hesitated to do so, I responded with, "But I want her to be a part of our family escapades." 

    The rebuttal he gave me, stopped me in my tracks. It helped re-guide me and align my thoughts. His carefully chosen words, reminded me of his father, warmed my heart and put a surprised smile on my face. 

"Don't worry! She will be a part of the family, when she wants to be!"

A very humbling moment. I was grateful for the life lesson. There is so much to learn and so much to let go of.  

Just Let Go

     

Just Let Go

Sometimes,       we         just       need       to        let         go. 

If we can just believe that our decisions were pre-made,  then we can also believe that every single grain we chose to experience, led us to learn a valued lesson. We may wonder what the lesson was but that is up to us to figure out. 

    If we can trust that the events in our lives happen to push us further towards our eternal decision of becoming a better us, then we need to trust that each decision we made, was towards attaining that better self. All of them important decisions, never any to regret!

    If we can believe and trust the above statements, then we can believe and trust, that the universe knows the path and the lessons we chose . I am positive that the universe would be happy to take over and be the co-driver while we take a vacation and gently but confidently, let go of the steering wheel. 

Believe me, I have tried it for a second, 😉 and I can attest that it was worth it. 

    So let us be brave. Let us be trusting. Let us ask the universe to take over for a while. We just need to trust that it will lead us down the right path. The path intended for us. The path we chose a long time before we ever  became a conscious being. We need to close our eyes, fall back, 

and just let go!

    We are heading towards the moon anyway. 

I Choose Positive

 

Jewel and Boo

          I always wondered why certain events happened to me in my life. Sometimes the events swooped me up like a hurricane and deposited me dishevelled, not knowing where I was. Other times, they gently dusted me off, patted me on my shoulder and urged me to continue forwards. Now that I am 48, I have begun to take my time with life and not rush to get a thousand and one things done as I did when I was younger. I have the time now to look at things more closely and with more focus. I have come to the conclusion, and with conviction, that there is always a reason why things have happened; it could be positive or negative. I realised that if I took the time to look deeply enough and more mindfully, I could always find a positive reason why and ignore all the negatives. 

    Today was one of those days when I had to look for a positive reason why. My day started off as any other day. I have routines in the mornings as everyone does. I wake up, freshen up and feed my five pets before I take my two dogs downstairs for a walk and then to run around in our big garage. However, little did I know that, today, one of the garage gates was wide open when I released the beasts to run free. And free they ran while I sat on my olive tree bark performing my Reiki ritual. They ran together for their lives exploring my quiet neighbourhood. 

    When I stood up to do my walks around the building and check on them, my heart literally dropped when I spotted the steel gates to my dogs' heaven wide open. I quickly grabbed their leashes and ran out the gate not knowing which direction they ventured. If it were not for friendly people who kept asking me if I had lost “one big and one small dog”, I would not have known where to begin the search. 

    After twenty five minutes of running and people guiding me in the right direction, a taxi driver with a passenger stopped to ask me if I had lost two dogs. I was standing in a panic in the middle of the empty street at 6:40am, twisting around, searching, calling out the name of my little dog, Boo, and holding two leashes. So it was no wonder that they figured out that the loose dogs were mine. They told me that they had spotted them on the main road pavement going uphill. They urged me to jump in the car to take me there. The driver had to reverse to go uphill so that he would not go against traffic. When we spotted them, they looked so content inspecting their surroundings and spreading their scent, but when I opened the door to the taxi and called out their names, they quickly came over as if saying, "Hey, where have you been?"

    After I got home and took a shower, I sat contemplating the interesting event. I realized that if my dogs had not run out of that gate, I would not have met, in passing of course, such wonderful helpful people in my city. It was a chance for me to reaffirm the belief that there is a lot of good out there despite this trying time. It was a reason that I needed confirmed every once in a while. From now on, I vow to look at all the events that touch my life with mindfulness, searching for the positive side of things no matter how difficult that would be. Exploring the positive, will definitely improve not only the state of my mental health, but the quality of my life as a whole.