Tuesday, October 29, 2013


There... I have written a word... and now a few more... it might be easier than I thought it would be; returning to my blog to vent. I have not been here in a long time. I have not brought myself to write about what has been going through my mind, my heart or my life for the past year. I have not found the courage or the motivation to come back. 

I have not wanted to spread the negativity, the sadness and the pain. But, since the negativity has been spreading through my veins seeping into the tiny microscopic particles in the air that surrounds my family, I have decided that I needed to spill the black soot onto the keys in the hopes of clearing some of it from my system, desperately trying to lighten the dark shade that engulfs me hiding the light that I see in the distance. 

My head is so disheveled that I cannot keep my thoughts straight and do not know where to begin.  I want to vent my feelings but do not want to share the exact events as some are private. I have moved... to Dar es Salaam in Tanzania... I have been here for three months already in an empty house without our belongings. A truck strike has prevented us from being reunited...I feel lost without something familiar that reminds me of some good times we have had. I need to be reconnected to a happy time. 

I know that there are so many people out there who have it so much worse than I and I ache for them too. This is part of it as well... I keep reading negative news from my parents' home countries, innocent people die along with their innocence, their lands and life taken, children abducted and abused, animals disrespected and tested on. I cannot seem to find one seed of hope for humanity. I want to read one piece of news that plants life into my core for it to grow and cast a bright light on the shadow that has occupied the space. I NEED that... just one piece of good news to reinstall the smile that has been deleted from my face's memory. 

I have been a positive person for a big part of my life and therefore I am not sure where this negative cycle has come from and how I got sucked into it. I have no idea how to get out of this disastrous twister, which  keeps attracting more debris and broken glass that cut and hurt. 

I need to pull my positive self out of this deep abyss and save it from this detrimental-out-of-control chaos that has consumed it. I have to go back and start that Happiness blog again to look at anything positive that happened during the day. I need to take action as there is no one who can help me as much as I can help myself. 

I knew writing this down would help me see a clearer picture of what my responsibilities are as an in control human being.... I will start tomorrow.


Birdie said...

Oh, Lana! I am so glad to see a post from you. That is a start to working your way out of the troubled place you are in. I struggle with the same thoughts and blogging is one of the things that helps. It is always nice to know that we are not alone. If we are not alone that means there is some good in this world.

jan said...

Hello. Glad to see you back it sounds like you and your lovely family have really been challenged. I was wondering where you were and often thought about you hoping you were ok. Brave woman it is good to see you blogging as writing is one of the ways I know you like to process things. Blessings dear Lana. xx