21 Days... Day 1

21 days is always the number that you are given to do any kind of cleansing or detox plan. I was asked to do a 21 day of cleansing after I received my REIKI initiation. And therefore, 21 days, of searching for the positives, it is.

My fingers are stalling and I am taking a break between every few words that I write. I am trying to think of a positive thing that happened to me today or a piece of good news that I read online.... the Polio epidemic spreading in Syria was not one of them.

I am straining my memory trying to think of it... that one special thing that brought a smile to my face. My fingers are tapping nervously on the keys as I do not want to be a failure in the simplest of tasks. 

Then.... Light bulb (in Despicable Me's Gru voice)

I have managed to think of three that made me feel supported and appreciated today;

1. I received support from my colleagues about an email that I wished to send a parent. 

2. I was given sweets for Halloween by another colleague of mine and that spiked my sugar level up making me feel giggly
3. I finished my batik piece with the support of a great African Canadian artist (pictured above... it is above my family, Jad, Mina, Aaron and I... can you figure it out?)

There I have done it!

Reflection:
I must say that focusing on something positive is a little difficult at the beginning when all you can see in front of you is just pages upon pages of a morbid book by Dostoyevsky.   But once you start jogging your memory of the events of the day, one memory pulls the next. 

I have a feeling that right after I made a conscious decision to focus on the positives, I began seeing glimmers of it splattered here and there. Maybe I was blind to it that I did not give myself a chance to perceive it. I need to be more pro-active when it comes to running my life and not go through the days just to end them, go to sleep and start again the next day. I must admit, it takes hard work. 

There...

There... I have written a word... and now a few more... it might be easier than I thought it would be; returning to my blog to vent. I have not been here in a long time. I have not brought myself to write about what has been going through my mind, my heart or my life for the past year. I have not found the courage or the motivation to come back. 

I have not wanted to spread the negativity, the sadness and the pain. But, since the negativity has been spreading through my veins seeping into the tiny microscopic particles in the air that surrounds my family, I have decided that I needed to spill the black soot onto the keys in the hopes of clearing some of it from my system, desperately trying to lighten the dark shade that engulfs me hiding the light that I see in the distance. 

My head is so disheveled that I cannot keep my thoughts straight and do not know where to begin.  I want to vent my feelings but do not want to share the exact events as some are private. I have moved... to Dar es Salaam in Tanzania... I have been here for three months already in an empty house without our belongings. A truck strike has prevented us from being reunited...I feel lost without something familiar that reminds me of some good times we have had. I need to be reconnected to a happy time. 

I know that there are so many people out there who have it so much worse than I and I ache for them too. This is part of it as well... I keep reading negative news from my parents' home countries, innocent people die along with their innocence, their lands and life taken, children abducted and abused, animals disrespected and tested on. I cannot seem to find one seed of hope for humanity. I want to read one piece of news that plants life into my core for it to grow and cast a bright light on the shadow that has occupied the space. I NEED that... just one piece of good news to reinstall the smile that has been deleted from my face's memory. 

I have been a positive person for a big part of my life and therefore I am not sure where this negative cycle has come from and how I got sucked into it. I have no idea how to get out of this disastrous twister, which  keeps attracting more debris and broken glass that cut and hurt. 

I need to pull my positive self out of this deep abyss and save it from this detrimental-out-of-control chaos that has consumed it. I have to go back and start that Happiness blog again to look at anything positive that happened during the day. I need to take action as there is no one who can help me as much as I can help myself. 

I knew writing this down would help me see a clearer picture of what my responsibilities are as an in control human being.... I will start tomorrow.