The Reel Trigger

 

 

One of my unfinished pieces

        I just watched one of those finger-flicking-stoppers on those continuous lopsided loops that we get sucked into when we just want to lay down and chill out. It literally stopped my finger from scrolling up. 

        It was about a mother breastfeeding and trying so hard to give her baby alternatives only to succumb to the love of that child like many times before. You could see it in her face after she had surrendered, that she would give the world to this child and fight every battle even if that meant putting a stop to those outside intruders. That video tore my self- condemnation away from my heart strings and began to strum it. 

    T. Guzman, you definitely knew how to take me back to the time that we struggled to get our daughter to use the bottle as I was approaching my first day back at work. I was desperate to get her on the bottle but to no avail. We tried my own milk, powdered milk, and many different kinds of teats. I searched and searched, and heard many pieces of advice. 

   Even though we eventually got our daughter to take the bottle,  I always felt a pang of guilt and shame that I somehow did not do it right.  After the the final episode in the series, I would take one of the school's long breaks to pump in the only available windowless storage facility that my husband had found. I would take the last hour off, as per the law, to drive back to my parents' to see and pick up my 3 year old son, breast feed my daughter and then drive back home to prepare for my family. Then the pumping routine would start all over again later that night. You may think that I am complaining. On the contrary, it was a relief. Despite the awkwardness and inconvenience of it all, it was a blessing. Not only was I able to get my daughter's next day rations, I read so many interesting books in the process. But to be honest, it was hard. 

    Before the day's end, I would sink in and enjoy her snuggling in my arms feeding. I loved watching her eyes drift close and then open them up just a little to make sure that I am still there. But then, as soon as I put her in her travel cot, closed the door and walked away, something would trigger that shame and guilt feeling that, the next day, she would be feeding a part of the day from the bottle that she was forced to accept.

    Something in that reel made me think that I could have done it differently and just kept that feeling of joy continue to linger. I should not have cared about what was knocking on my self-doubt door. I am realizing now that much of that pressure, was coming from within me and how I expected myself to be. 

    I felt a lot of self- reproach and I needn't have. Those feelings should be stamped as outdated. After watching the reel three consecutive times, I put my hand on my heart and I breathed in deep. When I released my breath, I released the negative feeling with it, "Like the game of curling," my husband would say. I am sure that it will come back knocking from time to time, but at least for now, I understand that I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that we did the right thing.  

    Frequently, something we see or hear, triggers a feeling or a memory within us. If it is positive, keep it, hold on to it. If it is not, let it go, release it. It does not serve you anymore. Elevate!