Loving Them as Them

Every now and then, I wonder if I had done enough or given enough or loved enough or been kind enough. Every moment passes, I wonder if I am doing or saying things right or messing things up for my kids. Am I being a good role model? Am I showing my true self, and apologizing if my ego took over? And usually, I reflect on my day and my interactions with them.

But when my head hits the pillow after releasing the kids to enjoy their Dream World, I think about how I enjoy them as people. 

Tonight, was a night that confirmed this. It started off with me worrying about my son and daughter's relationship with each other and ended with me feeling blessed that I have a connection with them and that they truly have feelings for each other. 

The threads started to weave when I noticed that my youngest had some pent up emotions. She is usually good at wearing her stage mask but this evening, I could see through the cracks in the paint. She was trying hard to cover them up by pretending that all was ok. 

After denying a few times, she divulged. Her brother was being a teenager when she wants him to play with her as he did before. 

I could tell that there was an opaque screen preventing them from deciphering the jumbled reactions, subtle jabs and murky words. I could not leave it to the both of them to unravel the knots in their tapestry when they were just amateurs in the ways and patterns of adult communication; the ability to speak and analyze feelings, to learn and appreciate vulnerability and accept, never deny, the responsibility for the actions shown and the words thrown. 

It takes practice communicating in a way that shows respect and kindness towards the other. I could not leave them alone to figure it out when they were older and had already formed judgements about each other. I felt a responsibility to plant and to water so that afterwards, I can enjoy the harvest. 

They decided to end our session with them snuggling on the same bed together watching a movie. 

I enjoyed that parenting moment and realized how much I love my kids as people and not only because I am their mother or because they are my children. I realized that I laugh a lot harder when I am with them. They are entertaining, crazy, smart and kind people and I am blessed that we are able to communicate in order to be more acquainted, aware and awakened.