I Wished Them Well

    This New Moon self-reflection practice had me in tangles today. The energy of the Earth has been off for the last two days and I felt it deeply. I was discombobulated the whole day but tried to laugh it all off. However, my efforts to appear cute with my forgetfulness, only showed off my age even more. 🤣

    Anyway, I have been off the whole day.  I was either forgetting my online lessons, or my phone at home, or my keys at Staples or my visa card with my husband after scanning all my Shoppers' items. It also rained as soon as I got out of our parked car and stopped as soon as I entered Metro. And yup, you got it! It rained as soon as I walked out through the automatic door again! Luckily, I had a small 5 Euro umbrella with me from Dublin to save my hair. 

    I was informed through Instagram yesterday, that the New Moon was going to be spectacular on this date. It is one of those very rare occasions when two New Moons happen in one month. And it was my birthday month! So logically, I took this as a sign from the universe that I need to make some changes. I also could literally feel the energies of change zipping around in my body. 

    Which was why, after reaching my healing place today, I made sure to do my normal practice of writing a list of people that I love, wish them well and pray to keep negative energies away from them. 

    This month, though, was a little different. Due to this rare New Moon, I chose to include the names of people who have never made it on my list for one reason or another. I chose to let go. I chose to release my anger and wish them well.

    I chose to release the blackness in my heart and wish it away. This negative energy within me was causing me a lot of hurt. A lot of damage. 

    Why was I holding on to this emotion that even Prophet Mohammad mentioned by name (PBUH) in many of his Hadiths? “No one has swallowed back anything more excellent in the sight of Allah, than the anger he restrains.” (Ibn Majah)

    Looking back at all those months that I wasted,  it seemed as though I was shielding this thing I was keeping inside, trying to protect it. 

    And I am not sure why. Maybe I have held on to this anger for fear that I would lose everything. Maybe I was worried that I was letting go of the one part of me that I knew well. The one emotion that protected me- kept me safe. Maybe that anger kept me alive and breathing. 

    Surely there is a good reason why I kept it for so long? But try as I might to ignore the signs that the universe was throwing at me, I must admit that this part of me was not just a draw back, it was unhealthy; mentally, physically and emotionally. 

    So tonight, I went outside and soaked in the new positive moonlight energies. I whispered to the Moon that I am still learning the ropes but I am breathing in deep, and releasing anything that is not helping me move forward. I wanted her to be witness to my promise to her and to myself. 

I wish everyone all the best of light energies this New Moon. May we shed what does not serve us and may the energies bring miracles into our lives. 

Embrace it all y'all and wish others well. 

At the end of the day,

 

                                                                     My Fabric Painting of an Unfinished Dragonfly

I am a good girl.

    Every full moon, I take the time to reflect on my actions using a few questions such as; how well (or not) I handled something, or how loving (or not) I have been with my loved ones and strangers alike.... (and it goes without saying that it is all relative, of course! 😉).

    After years of this practice, I have come to realize one thing. As countless of people out there,  I am usually very hard on myself. But I want this year to be different because I am a little different! 

    I am very grateful for my small improvements and even more thankful for the big lessons that pushed me forward to make them. 

    And even though being hard on myself is no different this new moon than every other 27 to 29 days of the year, I have decided to be a little forgiving of myself. I am a good girl despite my flaws. I am a good girl regardless of my scars. In spite of everything, I am a good girl because I want to be a good person. 

    At the end of the day, all I need, to keep me in check, is answers to some questions; 

    Have I tried my best to be a good person? 

    Have my positives out shined my negatives? 

    Are there more people who love me today than those who hate me? 

    and, How do I intend to be better?

     

    And even though I have passed half-a-century, I am still learning, still healing, and still pushing. 

    Just like my painting up there, I am an unfinished Dragonfly!

    

This Battle Inside

 

    I battle with myself every time I feel alone or am by myself. I battle with finding what is good in me. I battle with the demons that tell me that I am not enough; for myself, for my husband, for my children, for my parents, my family and friends. I fight with these little voices that try to convince me otherwise and they struggle to overpower the doubt. But many times, it fails. I feel that these thoughts bombard me with the pollution of negativity; smoking my eyes, disfiguring my brain. 

    I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who goes through this. 

    Are there people out there who also swim through this world of uncertainty? 

   I wonder sometimes what they do to settle this battle. 

    Lately, I distract my thoughts with things that make me feel good. I journal, meditate, listen to my music, think of special people, and write my gratitude list. These practices have helped me see the minute and distant twinkles of the stars inside of me. I know that the battle is lingering but I also know that the pollutants are not completely winning. 

The Heart of Ramadan

 

    I always said, out loud and with conviction, that there is so much more to Ramadan than just not eating from sunrise to sunset, praying, reading the Quran and feeling with the poor. My Tata, used to giggle and say to me, "You only stop eating? That is like dogs' hunger!" I used to giggle but still refrain from doing anything else other than that and a few prayers and Quranic verses.  I now understand that maybe her statement meant so much more. 

    I always thought that I could show my growth in other ways. I could restrain my tongue (I always had a challenge with that!). I could focus on constraining my anger (and yet, another challenge!).  And follow one of the Hadith's that I truly love, "Religion is how you treat people!" And that is how I have been fasting Ramadan. I try to be a good person! I fail! I try! I fail! But the growth keeps pushing forward. 

    I see Ramadan as a boot camp for Muslims to elevate themselves and become better individuals. They could try for a month to be the best version of themselves, and then if they could do it for a month, then they could do it for two, then three, and so on, for twelve months. We have multiple chances and lessons! That is why it is so important for us  to return to its heart.

    I have been sharing my views on Ramadan and Islam with my husband throughout our marriage. As you know, he is Canadian and is now teaching at a "mostly" Arab school. Lately, due to Ramadan, he has been asking me confirmation questions seeking understanding about what is important in this month, what does Islam say about certain "rules", and whether or not you can disrupt learning to go pray. 

    And, today, just by coincidence, my mother sent me a video by The CJ Werleman Show (CJWS). It explained what Ramadan truly is and how knowledge and seeking it are important in Islam. While watching it, my beliefs of the loss of Ramadan were confirmed. We can see this loss happening on a grand scale; we rarely see the essence of it between our nations. And this is affecting the translation of it internationally. 

     However, on a small scale, one will always find hints of its fragrance amongst our people.  I used to ignore the angry drivers but love going grocery shopping in Jordan during that month. Having small chats with the merchants, seeing their smiles, hearing Ramadan Mubarak, the call of prayer and the smell of Katayef always warmed my heart. I loved going to iftars when Lent happened at the same time. We used to eat with friends who observed Lent and others who fasted Ramadan. Boy, do I miss the feel of Ramadan and the family! 

   I believe that we need to go to the heart of everything. I love taking from the beauty in all religions, beliefs and ways of life and apply the gems to my life and my understanding of it. There is an abundance of spirituality in all of the books we read. And at the core of all of them, is the strive to improve oneself. We need to return to ourselves! We need to return to the heart! 

My Turtle Pace

 

    The pace at which I'm learning to live in the moment is at the same pace as my skiing- slow and guarded.

I am still trying to forget the trying past and hold on to the cherished memories. 

I am more understanding of the notion that things had to happen, the way they happened, for me to be more aware of my words, my actions, my thoughts and my feelings.

I am discovering that it is a journey that is very hilly and yet, it is giving me exactly what I need to re-learn how to walk upright again. 

I am, and continue to be, a work in progress; absorbing the good, learning from and letting go the bad. 

I am a never finished sculpture. 

And I am grateful for that! 

The REdiscovery

      

                                                                            My Boo

    As I sat there with myself.... away from an eclectic civilization, the social noise, the political disappointments, and my beloved family, I considered my life; the joys, the pains, the hurt, the doubts and self- doubts, but then considered the constructions, the understating, the love (both for self and others), and finally, the light. 

    I was considering ALL of it, when two songs drifted into my speakers; We are the Champions, and Hold On by Sarah McLachlan, - a Canadian artist who is responsible for writing and singing, my favorite song while at Purdue, Building A Mystery. even though, I still have to Google Search how to spell her name.

     Then it all came together for me... I realized, that in my life, I have had many great mentors; my grandfathers, my father, my husband, my children, my brother, my teachers. Each the overseer of educating me on the meaning of life; how to love and be loved, how to live and to struggle, and yet, more importantly, they showed me how to continue showing up to my performances on life's stage, the next- day. 

   There was also my mother, along with my grandmothers, and my sister. Each exhibited how to shine and to shine through, be heard , be respected and to just be oneself

    On this sole and soul journey, I rediscovered what I call "The Quad REs"; REflect, REground,  REcenter and REfocus... It was a journey that I should have taken ages ago, or maybe it had come at the right time,  or better still, I will definitely continue doing in the future? It took me through whirlpools, rapids and calm waters. It allowed me to connect to my core.

   During this REdiscovery, I talked to my parents, my children, my husband and (freaky for you or not) my dear Tata; a representative of the "ancestral world", who visited me in my dreams. They were all with me in that cottage all alone for five days. Each still planting grains, still tending, still present. I was SO grateful!  

    I realized that our stories are never ending, that they will continue to swim through many generations after us, as they did before us. We are here to learn, to guide and most importantly, to grow (just as Gandalf did in The Lord of the Rings). Ha! I love THAT perspective of my life! 

I am grateful and blushing with that realization. IlhamduliLah!