I know that I am putting myself and hanging my dirty sheets out for all to see. I am also fully aware that working with my shadow should be a quiet, internal and intense process. However, I always feel that talking it out with others helps me process the information that I am learning about myself better. Since I am in a secluded forest, I do not get to see anyone or speak to my friends often. I feel that writing about the journey will help me push through this struggle and this learning process. I am grateful for an audience who is comfortable to share their view of my self discovery. Writing to an audience will also help me be more courageously honest and more authentic with myself. No more lip service. It is time to make it real. I cannot deny my shadow. I cannot be oblivious to it either. I cannot chicken out.
I have known about what a shadow is for some time now but I was never able to discover mine nor its shape nor size. A very cherished person in my life has been pointing it out often lately and I am beginning to witness how cruel and mean I can be through their eyes. I was always told that I was a good person, that I cared about people, that I am sincere and genuine and is a good friend.
And yes, I can be all of those but I can also unconsciously deliver to you a word that would spin your head and make you wonder who in God's name is standing before you. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde much? Watching a conversation unfold and go on an unexpected course downhill, pushed me to take some time to discover myself and this stranger within me. The part of me that is so pushed down and hidden that I was unaware she even existed. I knew I had a shadow, well, because everyone has, but I was oblivious as how she came out and revealed herself.
SO I went searching... Google of course, and found this website that also used the J & H reference 😜. I am hoping that it will guide me through this voyage into an unknown part of me. I do not want to be disconnected anymore. I want to be mindful and aware of every part of me in order to progress as a human and continue on a path that serves me and others. I hope that reading my journey will help others.
STEP 1: Identifying an Aspect of My Shadow
"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow?
I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole."
Carl Jung
I am positive that I have more than one aspect of my shadow that I need to be in touch with. However, one aspect that is truly affecting my relationship with loved ones is my ability to, and total comfort with, striking back whenever I feel a sense of threat or insecurity no matter how founded or unfounded it was. I use words that I do not think through and that would throw daggers at the person standing before me. I react in ways that I regret seconds later. Many times I am unaware of the effect my choice of words has on others and many times I do. Both ways cause damage and scaring.
The disturbing thing about being aware of and working through this, is that I used to always tell my students the story of the father who asked his child to hammer nails into a wooden board and then asked him to pull them out. The holes remain as visual scars to show that no matter how sorry you are for the words you dished out, the hurt you caused will not heal over.
I used to pride myself in being this caring person to all, this friend who listened to others and lent a supportive hand. When beneath it all, the volcano was dormant just waiting to react to triggers. My triggers are insecurity, being wronged, disrespected, hurt and mistrusted. I immediately feel that I need to defend myself, explain myself and protect myself. The triggers may not even be real or founded. It is just a sense I get in my body and I am off.
I always feel that I need to protect myself from being hurt. I always feel that if there was a conflict, that a part of me is being attacked. I always feel that I need to put on that helmet and lift up my thorny shield. It is a reaction to some childhood trauma that I have suppressed and have not dealt with completely. I constantly feel that I need to preserve my heart, my mind, my being.... and that is when my shadow comes out and takes center stage. So how do I control it? I guess I have to make friends with the fact that I can be cruel. That is the only way.
That was not easy to write and put online for everyone to see BUT it is something that I need to be aware of if I want to have more meaningful relationships in my life. It is essential for me to become a better version of myself and to work with my shadow and learn.
