Many times in my 49 years, I have pondered my feelings and thoughts and the spinning cycle that life has put them through. Many times I was unable to pick out the one emotion that described, with some accuracy, what my body and mind are feeling about a certain situation. MOST of the time, they end up arguing about which thought I should be heeding and which feeling I should own. They refuse to ease up like a rooster and a hen always squabbling about which worm to pick and which one to ignore. Many times I felt like the outsider looking in at this boxing rink watching the two fight it out. At other times, I felt like the child stuck in the middle of a custody battle being pulled left and right while standing still.
When I am struggling, I can feel that something is off, in my mind, in my body. It will come across in all parts of myself and it is difficult to shake it off. I try my best to mask it or fake it but the struggle ends up breaking me. It ends up shadowing my true self, my core. Many times, my battery is so out of charge that I have no energy to trudge forward. Many times, I force myself to keep digging through the piles of negative junk that obscure my path ahead and many times, I lose the battle and sink.
The issue is that I know that I cannot remain stuck where I am as that will continue to pull me down deeper and deeper into the dark, lonely crevasse. I know that I need to crawl out of the cave that engulfs me and bask in the light of the sun that heals me.
And so, I promise myself that I will put one foot in front of the other no matter how crooked the trail I made looks like behind me. I will remind myself that the path ahead is what matters. I will remind myself that I must push forward for those that I love. I will push forward. I will be a role model.
