Kids continue to amaze me. They develop intricate communication systems and ways of interaction that boggle my mind. I do not remember ever having to figure out ways to establish a relationship with my friends; a set of rules and regulations of how to treat one another.
Last night, after my son and I had a long discussion, on the bed in a dark room, I came out in awe of him and his friends. I realized that there were so many little details of his relationship with his friends that I had no knowledge of and I was humbled.
He told me how he got along very well with one of his friends, a lovely boy of four, J. He first said he liked him and before I had the chance to ask him why he corrected himself and said, "No, actually I love him." I asked him why, not because I didn't know the answer to that question, but because I wanted to hear his thoughts. He told me what a good boy J was, how they played well together and how he sticks up for him.
He then said that J listens to him and at that point my eyebrows shot up in the dark. I have to admit that I was a little weary of his last comment. I asked Jad if he bossed J around and he said, "No, mom we have a system going."
A what??? A system?
I had to choose my words carefully in this situation so as to get the whole truth and a better INSIDE picture of what goes on when the parents are busy chatting away or preparing dinner.
And this is what he explained:
"Mom, J and I have a system. He listen to two things and then I listen to one." I was very confused and had to clarify what he meant since, to my mommy mind set, he was not making any sense. It was either that or that I was so clueless as to what goes on between kids that I failed to understand. The poor young man kept trying to explain but after the third time over he gave up and presented his information in layman's terms.
"OK mom, this is how it goes. I ask J to do two things for me and then he asks me to do one thing for him. For example: I ask him to please give me a toy he is playing with because it is my favorite or if he can hand me a toy next to him and he asks me to open something for him or get him a drink of water." (Because my son can reach the top shelves of our fridge and take out the water bottle).
"Ahhhh", I nodded, "but is this ratio like this now as well? or has it change? Because it sounds to me a bit unequal."
He said that this was some time ago but now it is a 2:2... my kid talks in ratios????
At that moment I remembered that there is a third little person in that group; my daughter. My curiosity took the better of me and I asked about her and how the system is like with her. And with all confidence my son replied,"Oh it is 4:1! I ask four things of her and she asks one thing of me."
And when I asked him whether this ratio will continue for a long time he said,"No, it will change to 4:2."
11 comments:
Such beautiful simplicity. God shines brightly on your children. And they have a great mom.
I'm kind of speechless Lana. Kids are so clear about things. They have an innate sense of fairness and even a sense of growing into larger parameters as they get older and some kind of boundaries that I can't put my finger on. Jad is older than J. He is actually teaching him social interaction and how friendship works. J started out with 2:1 and grew into 2:2. Mena, the same. He has forethought about his system. Kind of long range planning. I think that's pretty high level intelect.
What a good relationship you have with your son - so much trust of each other not to mention his patience in helping you get it. What an amazing kid. Take a bow. You know I really think that children raised by parents who don't dominate or pass on their rigid rules enable a child to be spacious and allow their humanity to lead the way. If you think about it, he has learned his ability to create a framework for his friendship by the example you have set with him and with Mena. He adapted that to his age appropriate interactions with other kids. Wow, maybe take two bows. ✰✰
Thank you both my dear friends... your words bless me... I am blessed to have Jad and Mina in my life... they have taught me so much.
Ok, now I'm in love with your son! Ahahaha! He is amazing. Ratios???? I was only able to figure that one in secondary school...
WAW
Love
Isa
Awwww... hehehe... Thank you sweet Isa... you are very kind.
How wonderful to lie on the bed with him and listen like that Lana. You know just how much to listen and what questions to ask to draw him out. Such precious conversations. Amazing to hear his thoughts and fair system, his awareness of how things change, and yes his patience in explaining things to you. How wonderful that the children have you to give them the space to be themselves and to work things out. Blessings. x
I love your children beautiful spirits!!
Life and relationship are at times so complicated and its so wonderful to have a system to deal with them and to make it easier to get along and to have a friendship.
This way we know that when the system is broken we can either fix it or move on to another friendship.
Children are so wise and so smart!
Dearest Jan, thank you. It was such a good feeling to lie on the bed next to him. I should do it more often. It was serene and so calming. Kids work in mysterious ways.
Lovely Ofelia, I do not think I have ever heard kids having such systems before.... it really changed my whole outlook.. it is as you said so wonderful... and it definitely makes things easier. They know where they stand with each other... they know what is expected of them... if it works then there should not be many arguments and if there were... then they would easily be resolved.
I love it! Kids are amazing.
Dare I say I think that ratio works quite well male:female. ;-)
To continue this sexist response, I also have to observe my response vs the response of the others (females); I thought what a bright math mind. I want him on my robotics team.
But don't get me wrong, I love to have girls on my team because they do listen and work together better.
Someday the young lad Jad will learn the proper ratio for a healthy and happy, male to female relationship is 2:4. ;-)
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